Jazz Fenton's Heck
by Insane Guy of DOOM
Summary: Tucker: What the heck happend? Jazz: Ember showed up and got fat on fish tacos, Danny and Sam got married and you showed Moderate DXS don't read if you don't like the pairing. Finally complete.
1. Prologue

Welcome to the latest story from Insane Guy of DOOM! Also this is my first story to feature any DP character other the Danny, Sam, and Tucker. I now present: Jazz Fenton's Heck.

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It was a normal day, or as normal as a sister of a ghost fighting superhero's day could get. Jazz Fenton was reading a book called "Dealing With a Ghost Obsessed Family… For Know-it-alls", her little brother and his best friend in the whole wide world (aside from his idol Peaty Penguin) were playing cards. Sam was beating him so badly that Danny had already lost every possession he owned, the only thing he had left were the clothes on his back and his non-removable ghost powers. YES! MY NAM IS FRED FREDBURGER AND I WANT TO EET SUM FROZEN YOGURT! Fred get away from the keyboard! Sorry about that. Anyway it seemed so normal, normal, normal, normal, but Jazz had no idea how bad things would get…


	2. Enter Ember and Stuff

Welcome to the first official chapter of Jazz Fenton's Heck which is now rated K, but knowing just how random this story will be I might have to up the rating again due to possible crude humor. And yes being a Fred Fredburger nut that was part of the story.

_This is thinking._

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Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 1: Enter Ember and stuff.

The only thing only thing unmoral about today was that the Fenton parents were out at a ghost-hunting convention. Jazz had been left in charge for the first (and probably last) time. Yes, everything was sooooooooooooooo normal. THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED!

For no apparent reason Ember appeared from the lab with a meanly mean scowl.

Ember: I'm mean!

No one listened to the hair on fire freak monkey, Jazz was to absorbed in her book and Danny had the strange idea he was beating Sam at their card game and thought it was much more important than beating up said freak monkey.

Ember: Hello any one want to fight me? Okay I'll just take over the world now. (Waves Good by) See ya!

She then floated out the open door when Ember realized, she couldn't stand being ignored and quickly came back to the living room.

Ember: NOBODY INGNORES ME!

She then fired a blast from her guitar, which shot Danny and Sam. A pink haze surrounded them (it disappeared 5 seconds later as the effects sunk in).

Sam: (love struck) Danny.

Danny: (love struck) Sam.

The two teens then jumped on to the couch and began making out, thus getting Jazz's attention. Meanwhile Ember was going to zap Jazz into doing something as well but didn't know her name so she made one up.

Ember: Okay **Paul**, prepare to face the wrath of EMBER!

Jazz: (Confused) Who the heck is Paul?

The freak monkey fired her guitar at Jazz but since said child of Jack and Maddie Fenton was an obsessive-compulsive hair hasher her hair was so shiny that the beam from the guitar bounced off and hit Ember herself. She tired to overcome the effects but soon the adult hating ghost was overcome with the urge to eat fish tacos.

Jazz watched as the ghost who a minute ago was trying to take over the world made an endless amount of fish tacos surround her and Ember began to shovel them down her mouth.

Jazz: _Okay, at least today can't get any weirder. I hope_

She had no idea how wrong she was.

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Well that's it join me next time for chapter two: Beavers and some Matrimony.


	3. Beavers and Some Matrimony

And now chapter 3.

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Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 2: Beavers and Some Matrimony.

Danny and Sam had always been in love with each other, they even pretend to like people like Paullina and Gregor and Peaty Penguin one time but that left the guy who wears the Peaty Penguin costume in the Amity Park Parade that I just made up scarred for life to hide their feelings. But thanks to Ember they were happily together. Now that they had been making out for a while Danny thought it was time to take it to the next level: Holly Matrimony.

Danny: Sam will you marry me?

Sam: YES!

The lovebirds then ran up to Danny's room where they later came out with Danny in a tuxedo and Sam in a gothic wedding dress. The pair then linked arms and headed off to the nearest church. Jazz still told herself it could get worse and it had.

Ember had eaten so many fish tacos she appeared **pregnant** and continued to eat more, also all that fish was making her delusional.

Ember: HEY PAUL! WE DON'T GOT NO LOOFA SPONGES NO MORE!

Jazz was very creped out, but a knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

Thinking it was Danny and Sam coming to their senses she ran to open it quickly, but found the persons knocking weren't even human. They were beavers.

Beaver 1: (In a Scottish accent) I, We be super intelligent Scottish beavers!

Jazz: WHAT!

Beaver 2: Destroy her belongings, FREEDOM!

The beavers charged into the house and headed for Jazz's room but halfway up the stairs their journey was interrupted.

Ember: I GOTTA TINKLE!

Beaver 1: It be the Queen!

Beaver 7: Long live Queen Foo Foo!

The beavers ran back down the stairs and surrounded the now morbidly obese Ember and bowed before her.

Beaver 5: O great Queen Foo Foo what be your demands?

Ember: (Belch) Cowabunga Dudes!

Ember's subjects then began to chant "Cowabunga Dudes" over and over. But then Ember let out a fart stinkier than any other before, it managed to kill everything within a 5-mile radius except for Jazz and the beavers (who then continued their task of destroying Jazz's stuff).

Jazz: _This day is turning into a living heck!_

Jazz was right, and the worst had yet to begin….

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The reason why "pregnant" is highlighted is because it's foreshadowing, but of what? See you next time with chapter 3: Bacon!


	4. Bacon!

YAY! A chapter written on a laptop. O, I keep forgetting: I don't own Danny Phantom or Beggin' Strips.

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Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 3: Bacon!

Ember had clearly overstayed her welcome, especially since she was now so fat a good 6 square feet of the living room were covered in her bulk. Jazz was ready to get rid of the specter. She ran up to Ember, Fenton thermos in hand.

Jazz: EAT THERMOS FATSO!

Ember: HA, HA! That tickles.

But sadly Ember was so fat; she couldn't fit in said soup holder. Instead it merely stuck to her massive girth. Before Jazz could retaliate, Danny burst in carrying Sam bridal style.

Danny: Jazz, say hello to your new sister-in-law.

Sam then stuck her hand out, its ring finger proudly displaying the "weS" ring.

Jazz: Let me guess, you're gonna go up to Danny's room and make out right?

Sam: Now that were married, Danny and I are going to be doing a lot more than kissing.

The newlyweds ran up the stairs to certain halfa's room and locked the door. I'd say more but I can't in a K+ fan fiction.

Before all this could sink in for Jazz, the author finally decided to put Tucker in the story and he flew through the window. Going straight through the couch.

Jazz: O MY GOSH! Tucker are you okay?

Tucker: I never new Paullina was so strong.

The TV then turned on showing an add for the upcoming monster truck rally.

Tucker: Monster trucks! The big trucks is gonna eat the little trucks!

Only then did Tucker survey the room and wonder why things were so weird.

Tucker: A, what the heck happened!  
Jazz: Ember showed up and got high on fish Tacos, Danny and Sam got married and are upstairs making me an aunt and you showed up.

Tucker: Okay, I'm going to leave now.

Ember: I SMELL CINAMIN ROLLS! (Belch).

The ghost's guitar then fired hitting Tucker. Are beloved techno-geek then became extremely buff and had a goatee.

Tucker: I'm macho Tucker! My pants taste like bacon!

Then the Beggin strip tm dog jumped through the hole in the window and pounced on Tucker.

Beggin' Strips tm Dog: Bacon! Sweet, juicy Bacon!

Tucker: Ahh! TALKING DOG!

Jazz: Well, I have super-intelligent Scottish beavers in the op center.

Tucker didn't listen; instead he pushed the dog off and jumped out the window, followed by Beggin'. Jazz watched from the pane of glass as Macho-Tucker ran down the street being chased by a pack of weenie dogs and the Beggin' Strips tm Dog.

Jazz: That's it; I'm calling a maid to get rid of you maniacs.

Jazz picked up the phone and dialed…

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Ooh who is the maid? Find out in chapter four: Sinks and a Maid.


	5. Sinks and a Maid

I won't say a word… I don't own any of the characters in this story, except the super intelligent Scottish beavers.

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Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 4: Sinks and a Maid

Jazz: (on phone) Come as soon as you can! THERE ARE MANIACS HERE!

Voice: But I'm not a maid! You have the wrong number!

Jazz: I DON'T CARE! I'm having the worst day of my life, and you're gonna fix it!

Voice: Okay, sheesh.

Jazz waited for the maid who wasn't a maid to arrive when the sink started making a funny noise. She went to investigate; Jazz walked closer to the sink and it began to move and all of a sudden Chip Skylark jumped out! Jazz was in complete shock. Chip then began singing my shiny teeth and me while he squirted peanut butter out of his mouth. Then the doorbell rang.

Jazz: Thank goodness, the maid who's not a maid is here.

She opened the door to find none other than…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Jazz: VLAD!

Vlad: You called.

Jazz: Fine, whatever just (interrupted by Vlad).

Vlad: (Sees Ember) O MY LORD! (Sees Chip Skylark) O MY GOSH! (Sees Ember eating another fish taco) O MY OTHER LORD!

Ember: (Belch) Hey! It's Elmo!

Vlad: I'm not Elmo

Ember: Course' he's Elmo; right Paul?

Vlad: Who the heck is Paul?

Ember farted causing her guitar to fire hitting Vlad.

Vlad: EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!

So Vlad and Chip Skylark started dancing a shooting peanut butter out of their mouths. But upstairs in the op center something terrible was happening…

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Longest chapter yet! What's happening in the op center? Find out in chapter 5: It Came From the Op Center!


	6. It Came From The Op Center!

I don't own Danny Phantom, Butch Hartman does.

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Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 5: It Came From the Op Center!

While Jazz was dealing with the craziness in the kitchen upstairs in the op center our super-intelligent Scottish beaver friends were building something terrible. They had taken Danny's pants (he sure wasn't using them) and were experimenting on them.

Beaver 19: I've, done it!

Just then the pair of pant's got up and began to survey it's surrounding.

Pants: I can talk! I can walk! And I eat flesh! (Devours Beaver 19 whole)

Beaver 1: Retreat!

The beaver ran away screaming their little rodent lungs out, and the pair of pants ran downstairs.

Once there, Pants lunged at Vlad sticking to his face.

Vlad: Ah! IT'S EATING MY HEAD!

He rolled around on the floor desperately trying to get Pants off his face.

Jazz: What the HECK IS THAT!

Pants: I am a pair of flesh-eating pants created by the super-intelligent Scottish beavers. My name is Pants.

Then the rodent Calvary arrived, they had destroyed Jazz's room before settling in the op center and were using her bras as slingshot to fire forks and knives at Pants (but beavers have very bad aim and they mostly hit Vlad).

Jazz: Are those my unmentionables you're using as slingshots?

Beaver 12: Oy.

Sam then popped her head out of the door to Danny's room.

Sam: Here you can have my bra for a weapon; I don't need it right now. (Throws bra at beavers)

Beaver 54: Thank you miss, we will cause no harm to your belongings.

Jazz: You thank her for something and destroy my stuff?

Beaver 1: She gave us a weapon you gave us a "WHAT!" Now forget the pants; let's kick her pink hairless bahookie.

All Other Beavers: Oy.

Our rodent friends chased jazz around the house, so none of them (except maybe Vlad, but he was dead from the neck up.) saw Pants jump out the whole in the window made by Tucker in chapter 3. Our evil little friend then ran off into the street…

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Well that's chapter five. Stay tuned for chapter six: Big Butts and Fitness Fun.

And now I present a deleted scene from chapter 4!

Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 4: Deleted Scene

Vlad: You called.

Jazz: Fine, whatever just (interrupted by Vlad).

Vlad: (Sees Ember) O MY LORD! (Sees Chip Skylark) O MY GOSH! (Sees Ember eating another fish taco) O MY OTHER LORD!

Ember: (Belch) Hey! It's Elmo!

Vlad: I'm not Elmo

Ember: Course' he's Elmo; right Paul?

Vlad: Who the heck is Paul?

Ember: HE IS! (Points at the sink cabinet)

All of a sudden "Wild Mike" from Barnyard explodes out of the cabinet and Chip starts playing River Stomp on his chip guitar.

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Well after that everything would have continued as normal with Mike being forgotten, which is exactly what happened when I wrote that chapter. I FORGOT TO PUT HIM IN! O well I might put him in another chapter if you the reviewers want me to.


	7. Big Butts and Fitness Fun

I don't own Danny Phantom.

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Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 5: Butts and Fitness Fun!

Valerie was jogging; she had to too keep in shape so she could fight ghosts. Especially with that giant butt of hers, I mean it's HUGE. Biggest rump I've ever seen. The only people with bottoms that come even close are in no order 1. Paullina 2. Lunch Lady Ghost 3. Jack Fenton. But anyway she and her massive rear went over to see Danny. Valerie thought they were still friends but Danny only hung out with her to see her butt, it was a freak of nature he often told Sam and Tucker is was like "having a sideshow freak hang out with you, which is cool". Besides he preferred Sam's much smaller and softer gluteus maximums much more.

Pants on the other hand loved Valerie huge kiester; it was a massive chunk of flesh and it was a pair of flesh eating pants. Pants lunged onto the ghost hunter and bit down hard on her buttocks.

Valerie: Ahh! EVIL PANTS AHH!

Desperate, she ran into Danny's house hoping his parents had some kind of thingy to get Pants off her butt.

Meanwhile in the house were the story takes place…

Ember: HEY! HOW COME I WAS'NT EVEN MENTIONED IN THE LAST CHAPTER!

Insane Guy of Doom: I felt I was over using you, but I put you in the deleted scene.

Ember: You got a point there Jazz.

Insane Guy of Doom: My name's not Jazz. (Creped out) I'm not even a girl.

Danny and Sam from upstairs: (Content not appropriate for a K+ fan fiction)

Tucker: (Still running from dogs at Amity park city limits) I hate my pants!

Chip Skylark: (looking at Valerie from the window) Insane Guy of Doom was right, her butt is huge. It's kind of creepy.

Pants: I don't want to eat people, I JUST WANT TO SING! _Faa laaa laaa! Faaaa la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!_

Well anyway Pant's singing made him fall off Valerie's **_BIG _**behind. Dazed and confused big butt pulled out an ecto-gun thingy and vaporized Pants with it. Boo hoo hoo. Then something completely unrelated happened.

A P.E. coach no one had ever seen before showed up and started making everyone exercise.

P.E. Coach: Get in shape, get in shape, get in shape, get in SHAPE!

And so every one except Ember, Danny, Sam, and dead from the neck up Vlad started doing jumping jacks. YES! Fred what did I say about the keyboard!

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The end is near… I'd say about 3 more chapters. Also read my profile it has my ideas for stories say if you want them in the reviews. One is: Jazz Fenton's Heck 2: The Epic Odyssey. And as a special treat I'll let you the reviewers choose what chapter 6 will be about: A. Mr. Lancer is turned into a Bigfoot esque monster. B. Sam finds out she's pregnant. (Even if B is not made the last chapter will still be about that in part.) So it's up to you to choose!


	8. Lancer Foot

Today is the last day of summer vacation for me so updates will decrease. To make up for this expect a day of new chapters from me.

Updates: Jazz Fenton's Heck: Chapter 7, The Unofficial guide to being an OC Halfa: Chapter 4 and Sam's Got a Date with Fred Fredburger: Chapter 1.

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Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 7: Lancer foot

Mr. Lancer is really ugly, and he has lots of back hair and cross dresses. He was jogging much like mega-rump Valerie had been in chapter 6 when the teacher of things jogged past Fenton Works. He was in for it.

Our fat friend looked into the window hoping to see Danny doing his homework, o he was doing something alright but it wasn't homework. That's when Lancer saw Ember, the charred hole in the floor where Pants once stood, Jazz, Valerie, P.E. Coach, and the super intelligent Scottish Beavers.

Lancer: What the?

Ember: (Farts while firing guitar)

Poor Mr. Lancer was hit by that beam; it caused him to grow red hair all over his body.

Lancer: What's happening to me? I, I, ROAR!

Soon he lost all intelligence and became Lancer Foot! The Guys in White surrounded him.

GIW: You're coming with us Lancer Foot.

Lancer: ROAR! (Throws mail box at the GIW and runs into Fenton Works and devours the P.E Coach.)

Meanwhile, Ember's spell had worn off on Danny and Sam back in chapter six; but they truly didn't care and continued their "newlywed activities". Now the lovebirds were too tired to go on, so they made themselves decent and opened the door. What Danny and Sam Fenton saw shocked them. Valerie had a huge chunk of her Butt missing, Vlad was lying dead from the neck up on the kitchen floor, Chip Skylark was being chased by super intelligent Scottish beavers, Ember was shoveling fish tacos down her mouth and Jazz was lying in the fetal position saying to herself "It could be worse" over and over again.

Danny: (shocked) how long were we up there!

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Well as I said the end is near… stay tuned for chapter 8: The Insane Ending and Chapter 9: Epilogue.


	9. The Insane Ending

Soooooorrrrrrryyyyyyyy, for not updating loyal readers but it's finally here!

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Jazz Fenton's Heck Chapter 9: The Insane Ending

_3 Months later_

Jazz sat on the couch, her hair was frazzled, her clothes dirty, it appeared as if she hadn't slept in days. At the other end of the couch sat a 3-months pregnant Sam. (Two people left on her and Danny's honeymoon, three came back.) She was very hormonal and had already sent Danny to the hospital. The super-intelligent Scottish beavers had now taken up permanent residence in the Op Center, and had sacrificed Chip and Vlad in some weird ritual that involved worms, lots and lots of worms.

Ember on the other hand was now at a Ghost Zone weight loss clinic, when the specter finally came to she was so embraced that all thoughts of taken over the world vanished and were replaced by getting into shape. Lancer-Foot became the new star attraction at the Amity Park Zoo he turned more animalistic each day. It was cool. No one ever saw Tucker again; some say he's a woman now. Not-so-mega-rump-anymore-Valerie was also never seen again; lots of people are becoming never seen again these days, weird. But one question still remained in everyone's mind (except Vlad's because he was dead from the neck up): What happened to Jack and Maddie?

The End (For Now)

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Well I've scrapped the idea of the epilogue, it will be the first chapter of the sequel but for it I need ideas about Danny and Sam's child. Is it a boy or a girl, what is its name, and how many babies are currently in Sam's womb in the first place? Twins, triplets, quadruplets, sextuplets, who knows! But for now I leave you. DUM!


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